"While dictators rage and statesmen talk, all Europe dances — to The Lambeth Walk."

Friday, 27 February 2009

The Battle of Trafalgar in 2009

A friend sent me this via email:


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir, you'll have to read this."

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion Or disability.' -
What gobbledygook is this, Hardy?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, sir. We're an equal opportunity employer now.
We Had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free Working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ..................... Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Sir."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled."

Nelson: "Differently-abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such rubbish. Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged With murder if they actually kill anyone. There're a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on Corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case, kiss me. Hardy".

5 comments:

Dr.D said...

That was perfectly vile!

RICHARD K. MUNRO said...

Actually I though it was a biting satire.

One wonders of course of the British could win anything today except perhaps a war against the Argentines. Don't get me wrong; my grandfther was an Argyll in 1914-1919 and my family was pro-British. But there has been a steep decline morally and culturally. Today almost 20% of the British Army is composed of foreign mercenaries

The Venerable 1st Earl of Cromer said...

Richard:

I think you'll find even the war against the Aregentines was a close call in terms of 'what ifs'. We were supposed to sell the aircraft carrier to the Australians a couple of months before it broke out, and if we had then it would have been pretty much impossible to fight them.

The British Army has a lot of foreigners from the Commonwealth. I read somewhere that the US Army was looking to open recruitment centres in Africa and other parts of the world because they can't find enough recruits at home (or more likely just want cheaper ones).

It seems neither of our governments will learn the lessons of the Romans!

Dr.D said...

The 1st Earl said, "I read somewhere that the US Army was looking to open recruitment centres in Africa and other parts of the world because they can't find enough recruits at home (or more likely just want cheaper ones)."

I had not heard that, but if it is true, I think I can explain it this way. They are fearful that native born American troops will not fire on American citizens in the coming revolution, so they would be looking for foreign born troops who would do what they are paid to do.a

The Venerable 1st Earl of Cromer said...

Dr. D:

I think the original story was at AmRen, but here's a slightly different version:

US recruits Ugandans